Feeling Vulnerable

 

A few weeks ago a new friend of mine said she was interested in coming to take one of my yoga classes. Normally this would elate me-but what you don’t know is that my friend is a seasoned Yogi who I deeply admire and who formerly owned her own studio and trained other yoga practitioners and teachers.

 

I was immediately filled with self-doubt. I hoped I wouldn’t make any mistakes- I wanted the lesson to be perfect-I over analyzed the poses we would use. I became self aware to the point where I was hindering my own ability to be good.

 

And why?    because    I want to be GOOD

I want to be good for myself

I want to be good for others

I want to be good- and If I’m being honest, someday I’d like to be really great.

 

Simply working to put yourself out there in whatever you create in this world- from a dance to a class to a work of art can mean that you are making yourself VULNERABLE.

 

Sometimes the worry that someone with more awareness and experience will see SEE me- and SEE my problems/flaws (will judge me as not good) becomes overwhelming.

 

I am not trying to rid myself of this worry- this feeling of vulnerability. I am not trying to containit, or distract it, or quash it with reason.

 

Often I forget that the way to great is already embedded in me. In every class I teach. In every way that I experience my Yoga practice and my art: from my daily practice to the classes I design and teach.  And often it is the ways that I am bad that I grow most from- but only by doing them and then re-doing.  I am no a perfect person yet sometimes I feel the need to make myself appear that way.

 

I am not a guru

I do not look like a yogi

I am not +that+ flexible

I do not know everything

My experiences are limited

 

Yet I am expansive

I hold wisdom

I gain flexibility and strength

I add knowledge alongside experience with every breath

 

I place my hand on my belly- and another on my heart and I deepen my awareness of this feeling- I understand its roots in my desire to be loved and valued (something I truly can only bring to myself) and I realize that I am the container.  Vulnerability is a feeling that ebs and flows. I go searching in my body. I identify where I am tight and worried. Where I feel scared and small. I smile at these emotions and I continue to breathe and relax.

 

I am vulnerable. I am allowed to be vulnerable. I persit in being and trying to be good.  I recognize this effort and honor it in myself and in others.

 

What makes you feel Vulnerable? Scared? Small? Novice? How do you love the feeling and the container with equanimity?