A few weeks ago a new friend of mine said she was interested in coming to take one of my yoga classes. Normally this would elate me-but what you don’t know is that my friend is a seasoned Yogi who I deeply admire and who formerly owned her own studio and trained other yoga practitioners and teachers.
I was immediately filled with self-doubt. I hoped I wouldn’t make any mistakes- I wanted the lesson to be perfect-I over analyzed the poses we would use. I became self aware to the point where I was hindering my own ability to be good.
And why? because I want to be GOOD
I want to be good for myself
I want to be good for others
I want to be good- and If I’m being honest, someday I’d like to be really great.
Simply working to put yourself out there in whatever you create in this world- from a dance to a class to a work of art can mean that you are making yourself VULNERABLE.
Sometimes the worry that someone with more awareness and experience will see SEE me- and SEE my problems/flaws (will judge me as not good) becomes overwhelming.
I am not trying to rid myself of this worry- this feeling of vulnerability. I am not trying to containit, or distract it, or quash it with reason.
Often I forget that the way to great is already embedded in me. In every class I teach. In every way that I experience my Yoga practice and my art: from my daily practice to the classes I design and teach. And often it is the ways that I am bad that I grow most from- but only by doing them and then re-doing. I am no a perfect person yet sometimes I feel the need to make myself appear that way.
I am not a guru
I do not look like a yogi
I am not +that+ flexible
I do not know everything
My experiences are limited
Yet I am expansive
I hold wisdom
I gain flexibility and strength
I add knowledge alongside experience with every breath
I place my hand on my belly- and another on my heart and I deepen my awareness of this feeling- I understand its roots in my desire to be loved and valued (something I truly can only bring to myself) and I realize that I am the container. Vulnerability is a feeling that ebs and flows. I go searching in my body. I identify where I am tight and worried. Where I feel scared and small. I smile at these emotions and I continue to breathe and relax.
I am vulnerable. I am allowed to be vulnerable. I persit in being and trying to be good. I recognize this effort and honor it in myself and in others.
What makes you feel Vulnerable? Scared? Small? Novice? How do you love the feeling and the container with equanimity?